Rollympic Games Part 2: The Main Event
Manchester Roller Derby Checker Boards v Newcastle Roller Girls Canny Belters
Having retreated to the balcony seating for a birds’ eye view of the main event, I was pleased to note that in true roller derby team-bonding style the NRG girls had developed a fun chant which they launched into immediately prior to their bout. It wasn’t quite the haka but it was groovy nonetheless and at the end of the day, who would you rather see prancing about and chanting? Chunky, scary-looking rugby blokes or a bevy of incredibly thin be-hotpant-ed roller derby hotties? Yes, exactly.
It was to be noted that Vice Captain and key presence for Newcastle Von Sleaze was unavailable to skate due to injury – how noticeable would she be by her absence? (It should be noted at this juncture for the record that said injury was in fact a dental incident suffered on a Greek island holiday at the hands (or to be more specific, the knee) of her team-mate Sniper Viper. Who is very, very sorry. Note ends here).
As for the opposition, Manchester’s team entrance involved ballroom dancing which was quite inventive but again, not particularly intimidating. Strictly would have been quaking in their boots though, as they executed quite perfect waltz moves – and on wheels nonetheless. The Canny Belters had individual intros, getting the crowd lifted and baying for blood. It was time to go to work and bring home gold for the home crowd! Let the battle commence!
The Manchester pack’s starting tactic was a new one on me. Instead of taking the knee on the jam line or crowding together ready to tear away at speed, they stood in a line facing the jammers – in terms of intimidation this was a bit more like it. It meant they knew where everyone was right from the off and their robust defending paid off, as they penned in the Canny Belters’ jammer Miss Wired, allowing their no 4, Vic Tori Bee, to take lead jammer as she shimmied with relative ease through a sluggish Belter pack to pick up 9 points. The visitors were making a statement – could the home side respond? Kalamity James took lead jammer fighting through the pack but in a long, tactical jam she was unable to score and eventually took a penalty to give Manchester a powerjam, from which they immediately collected five points.
Then the referees engaged in their first debate of the day whilst the athletes chewed the fat on the start line. I do wonder, were the technology available, if perhaps it might be fun for the refs to be mic’ed up in these stoppages in play as they can be legendary in their length and seem to exhibit the gravity of middle Eastern peace talks. It would be nice to know what was going on. The crowd talked amongst themselves and I prepared in true British style to get behind the underdogs, as NRG had fallen to an early deficit of 14-1.
Miss Wired, once again the victim of a rabid Manchester pack who totally clothes-lined her and continued to thwart her forward momentum, finally broke free, crashing her way round the track. This was more like it: with Manchester a blocker down and collecting further penalties, Miss Wired was flying, back to her usual fleet-footed self, and she picked up a raft of points – 15 to be precise. Now that’s what I call a superjam. (And just because nobody else does doesn’t make it wrong, OK?)
The fight-back continued in thunderous style, Big Smack and Fries jamming for the Canny Belters causing mayhem within the pack, and an attempted take-out by a Manchester blocker allowed her through for another pass – these girls know how to take back a lead in style. Another 15 points for the home side catapulted them into the lead – the score stood at 35-14 and a stymied Manchester squad took a time out.
As the bout resumed, the visitors made a good attempt to staunch Miss Wired but they were unsuccessful; she broke loose once again and was set to score big, but a great shoulder check from a Checker Broad limited her to one 4-point pass. Despite some speedy pack work from the NRG girls Manchester’s Sirenade took lead jammer next, calling off the jam after picking up 4. Finally Manchester were back on the scoreboard. 39-18.
A stalemate occurred in the following jam as both jammers broke loose from the pack, neither able to make an impact and in the next set-up, there was a pile-up on the jam line, Miss Wired breaking out of a Manchester sandwich but almost immediately taking a penalty. On Manchester’s powerjam, the Canny Belters quite literally tried to squash Scary Wollstonecraft as their slowing tactic but she emerged unscathed to score five points and close the gap once again.
It was heating up. And by that I don’t just mean the sporting action – the Walker Activity Dome was a tad on the moist armpit side too. We mopped our brows in anticipation of the next bout of action. There was a game of hide the jammer as first one, then another were sent to the sin bin, and the lead alternated between the two sides. It became somewhat frenetic as Vic Tori Bee bashed her way through, then called off the jam when Miss Wired returned from the bin, only to find that she was not lead jammer. A static pack hindered Miss Wired’s progress but by then Vic Tori Bee had been sent off again – somehow in the midst of all this points were scored on both sides, and this intriguing match-up remained finely poised at 54-37. Less finely poised when the imperious Kalamity James took lead jammer; with NRG at a man advantage and Manchester’s jammer in the sin bin Kalamity was able to slide easily around the visiting pack not once but twice, despite an attempted hip check from a blocker who she brushed aside to pick up 10 more points, Manchester being punished for going so long with their jammer out of action.
Even-handed once again, the NRG pack set to work neutralising Manchester’s jammer and Miss Wired was off again, picking up four despite the pack making it difficult for her with some strong defence. The Belters were gathering a commanding lead, but nothing is assured in roller derby and the Checker Broads’ Sirenade broke out at speed on the next jam, keeping it short and efficient, taking four points as the visitors quickly reassembled for the next assault. Manchester were now on the powerjam, and Vic Tori Bee made good progress but was taken out on her third attempt to pass the pack, picking up 7 points to take the score to 68-48. It was still anybody’s bout.
Another raft of jammer penalties with Kalamity James at the centre saw the NRG star on and off and on again, still somehow stunning the opposition with an incredible 19 point superjam (for the love of god will someone tell me if there’s an actual word for this – if not can I propose the official adoption of ‘superjam’ from hereon out?).
The score was 87-53, a strong position for NRG but Manchester still within touching distance, just one superjam away from evening up the scores (see, it works!). The second of the day’s mass referee debates ensued. In their tightly packed group they brought to mind a herd of intelligent zebra discussing lion-escaping tactics. The stoppage most certainly did not cause the teams to run out of steam however, Manchester’s jammer on the receiving end of an amazing hip check from Sniper Viper. I can testify that her hips most definitely DO NOT lie. And neither does her very shiny helmet.
A tactical jam followed which ran its full two minute course, Manchester very much in control, collecting a glut of points to bring the scoreline closer. It was 91-74 with three minutes left on the clock. Kalamity picked up 4 more for NRG as her blockers slowed down Sirenade. Guinefear of Jamelot was next to take lead but after the Belters suffered a loss to a penalty Manchester’s Psycho-Sis took her out with a highly unorthodox but effective backwards butt-check which really took the wind out of her sails. With one each in the bin, everyone took the knee including refs and it took me a moment to realise that rather than playing a mass on-track game of little teapots they had gone down in respect of an injured Manchester player, being treated at the side of the track for what appeared to be a possible shoulder injury. I’m pleased to say she appeared to be okay.
On with the show: it was a slow start to the final jam, and Manchester managed to pick up 4 before calling off the jam and taking the game to half-time with the score a beautifully symmetrical 97-79 in favour of the home side.
The Second Half
Were we crazy? Were we ever! After wussing out in the last few bouts we decided it was time to stare the beast directly in the face, to place ourselves in the line of fire, to embrace danger and tempt fate – we took to the suicide seats! Would we survive? Would we receive a swiftly applied roller girl to the eye? It would be a fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants experience that was for sure.
From the off the Canny Belters were in no mood to mess about, two efficient jams from Kalamity and Miss Wired picking up 3 and 4 points respectively, and the packs reverting to tried and tested tactics, NRG taking the knee and Manchester preferring their poised and ready to strike technique. But the Belters continued their assault, Big Smack zooming out to take lead jammer despite some great defence, those involved proving to a group further around the track why the suicide seats are so-called, with an almighty collision. Then Kalamity, having the bout of her life, once again took the reins, absorbing a monster hit from Psycho-Sis and still managing to weave her way through, opposing blockers bouncing off of her as without a care in the world she took a second pass to pick up 9 lovely points. Kalamity rocks my world. And theirs too.
The score was 116-79, the home side in the ascendancy once again, until a powerjam for Manchester led to a quick 4 points. They took a hold of the game, the untameable Vic Tori Bee taking lead jammer despite some quality body checking from the Belter blockers (if I’m making them sound a bit like heart medicine it’s probably because that’s what you’ll need after a bout with these ladies!). They inhibited her progress but Manchester’s pivot employed tactics, slowing the pack to a snail’s pace and she broke through again. There wasn’t much the home side could do and Vic Tori Bee picked up 15 points on her jam to take the score to 116-98. The Canny Belter’s pivot would not allow lightning to strike twice however and a well-orchestrated pack pulled off some great tactical blocking to limit Manchester to 3 on the next jam and 4 on the next. It was all-out attack from Manchester as they were on the powerjam, and it was Scary Wollstonecraft’s turn to attempt to accrue points; she shot out of the blocks but could only collect 1. The physical element of the game was really coming into play, NRG jammer Bear being sent off and the Belters pack having to fight short-handed once again and doing a solid job – however the successive powerjams for the visitors had taken their toll and with 15 minutes remaining on the clock the score was tied at 120-120 – hairy moments for the otherwise completely smooth Canny Belters.
Another break in play saw the NRG girls working the crowd into a frenzy and there was real tension in the air as lead jammer switched from one team to the other, Miss Wired, tenacious, breaking through the pack to score 4. Then an absolutely colossal hit from Sniper Viper on the Manchester jammer caused the visitors to slam on the brakes – it was a total TKO. I said before Sniper’s hips don’t lie, well can they get a witness, because they’ve just reignited my faith in a higher power. And as if to prove this, the lady herself has a gold cross on the bottom of her shorts. Nice. Needless to say the recipient didn’t score. She was lucky to get up at all.
Manchester got their own back on the next jam, Vic Tori Bee tearing through, totally bamboozling the Canny Belters’ pack, and with her side on the powerjam their star jammer looked set for a big total. She torpedoed her way through the depleted blockers once again, the hapless scorers unable to keep up and we waited with bated breath to see just how damaging the jam had been. It was painful viewing as the score leapt to 147-128 in favour of the visitors.
It felt like déjà vu as they set up for the next jam, the Manchester momentum seemingly unstoppable, however the Belter blockers did a better job of hemming in the jammer this time around until the teams were even – but not for long, Bear pulled up for some infraction or other and expressing her frustrations as she made her way to the bin. 9 more points followed for Manchester as they began to take a stranglehold on the bout, before Big Smack interrupted Manchester’s momentum, winning a tough battle on the jam line to take lead jammer, blowing a kiss to her fans as she whizzed past, however despite her pace she was only able to add a single point as the Manchester pack sped up to deal with her.
Miss Wired had no chance on the next jam, sent off right after picking up lead, and there was dissent in the ranks as crowd members questioned the performance of the referees who they accused of being over-sensitive and not allowing hits. Did they have a point? I didn’t feel well-qualified enough to make a judgement but there was no doubt that as the game wore on, the sin bin became more like a hardcore version of musical chairs – could fatigue be the cause, allowing clumsy challenges to creep in? It seemed unlikely – these girls were fired up and had energy to burn. Manchester had a powerjam until their jammer was sent off, allowing Miss Wired back into the game. It was too crazy to follow and we had no idea what the fallout would be in terms of the scoreboard, however Miss Wired was unfazed and amassed 12 points for her team – the score was now 166-145.
Only four minutes remained – how time flies when you’re getting an eyeful of roller girl every 15 seconds or so. It was a gripping battle, one of the best I’d seen, and there was no telling which way it would go. The next jam began with a major battle on the jam line, Big Smack proving too strong for her opponent who succumbed to the siren call of the sin bin, giving the Canny Belters a powerjam, and although Manchester put up a fight, they were no match for the rampant Big Smack who dug another 8 points into the deficit. 166-153. The home side took a time out and with 2.21 remaining on the clock and a 13 point deficit. Nails were bitten and the edges of seats weighed heavily upon as the crowd willed their girls to victory.
Bear was next to jam for NRG and she took control and played it smart, calling off the jam after a single 4 point pass. It couldn’t be more finely poised. 166-157. With the timer running down and the jam seemingly underway, the tactics kicked in, as the pack jostled but neither jammer moved. What was going on? The time ticked ever lower and suddenly it clicked. The jammers couldn’t go until the pack was legal – Manchester were ensuring this did not happen by breaking it up, causing a perpetual no-pack situation. The jam couldn’t start. They were playing for the win. This was the roller derby equivalent of playing into the corner and the crowd didn’t like it. I had to agree with them – a win is a win of course, but this seemed cynical, and was frustrating for the fans. Finally the jam began and Miss Wired tore frantically away but she was not lead jammer and as the time ran out it became clear it was all over – we had lost the bout. The final score: 172-157. It was an anticlimactic end to what had been a brilliantly entertaining and hard-fought sporting occasion. All the girls were deserving of a podium finish but only one could take the gold and Manchester were deserving victors and took the spoils back to the North-East.
I’m tired just reliving the sheer exhilaration of that bout so I’m off for a lie down in a darkened room. If this has whetted your appetite for pure adrenaline and glitter-fuelled roller derby-shaped action, get yourself along to a bout near you – I promise you won’t be disappointed.
Photo courtesy of Idene Roozbayani.